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| I haven't been here in forever. But I need this.
You ever seem to have everything in the world, but it's like nothing matters.
Everything hurts.
I can't seem to think anyone cares anymore.
I'm just alone.
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| I am home.
I'm back at school
In my dorm
With my peace.
I am home.
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I’ve never felt so insignificant. So stupid. So worthless.
….in about 1 year and two months…
…and it all came in a matter of two days…
I am so close to just walking right out of this house and
going back to Arlington.
I knew there was a reason why I never wanted to go back to Garland, but now I realize it full force. Now
I hate myself for never getting a job. Not that my parents would have let me. I
wish I could have made some sort of money behind their backs, so I wouldn’t be
in the predicament I’m in at the moment. Although it probably would have been
illegal. I am monetarily tied. Every time I taste a bit of that freedom, it’s
yanked away from me every single time. I already dread coming back to Garland during the
winter, because our stupid school is too cheap the pay the utilities. I don’t
want to go back, but I see no other choice. That’s a MONTH here. I can’t spend
two days without going insane. And then I see no way out of the summer….I don’t
have the money to get an apartment because I couldn’t have a job before I came
to college, and with my schedule I can’t get one now. OH sure I’ll have a job
during the summer, but not enough to pay the rent right off. That’s going to be
another dread right there. I’m soooo close. I wish I had the money….or that apartments
were as cheap as dorms. *slams head on desk* I hate this. I hate this. I HATE
this.
I need out.
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| I realized, I don't have anywhere to post my personal thoughts anymore. My site is more for my personal progress dealing w/ technology, not my personal life. I never realized more than this week how much I need my journal and to get stuff off my chest. *sigh* So I'm back to writing.
I know most of you are gone, and that's no big deal. I don't need an audience. I just need a place to vent.
So here goes...
I hate myself. I do everything wrong.
Of course this is where everyone says "no no you're great. you do stuff so well...and blah blah blah etc" But it's not true. I have NO motivation. I'm lazy and it sickens me. It's like there are two parts of me, the part of me that does things( or more accurately doesN'T ) and the part of me that looks on in disgust. I've come to realize I am a selfish brat. The reason many people don't believe that, is because I don't say or do the things that make me seem selfish to others. I realize before I say or do something that it's a selfish act/thought and I shouldn't act upon it. But then it's bottled inside of me, this selfish longing. I get mad because I don't get what I want or something doesn't happen the way I want it to happen. And then that anger is turned into more anger just at myself for being a stupid jerk. And all I can do is beat myself up about my stupid selfishness.
And the painful thing is, it's all emotion. I don't say "I want to do this...or I hate that let's do it my way." I just keep it inside, and I can't make it go away. I wish that it would go away, I wish I wasn't this selfish being that wants things her way. But it's like that's an entire separate part of myself, I can't access, and never will.
After saying all that....I thought I'd feel better...
...but I just don't know.
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